First of all, I really apologize to those who know me in real life, for being so hard to communicate with. I bet that if you guys ever stumble into this blog (which I’m sure you won’t, because I haven’t talked about my blog to much people), you’ll be totally surprised that, me, the one who is so pathetic in social skills in real life, is so good at writing stuffs (which is an indirect communication). I think there might be a reason for that. I don’t know why, I find it more fun and comfortable to chat over the web than in real life, maybe it’s because I suck at body language and stuffs. Mostly, I don’t know how to react, or deal with certain situations, so I just smile it away (you should look at my smiling face, it doesn’t look like a smile at all, I guess I have to practice it, or something). I smile when I speak, think, literally all the time, when I’m in a conversation. Right now, it has become a habit. There is no point in smiling if that’s what I do all the time, right? Besides, it’s a little psychotic to grin all the time,so I’m keen on breaking that habit.
I think there is a lot more to it though, because I’m particularly not that kind of person to care about how I look in other people’s eyes. The actual problem is my brain works really slow. If you ask me something, it takes me a great effort to give an answer (obviously, I can’t stall the conversation for a minute or two just to come up with an answer, so I just say whatever comes to my mind, and try put an early end to the conversation). That’s why I find talking to people,so draining. I guess, you can even say that I go blank, when somebody is talking to me.
Normally, when I’m alone, I have three other voices in my head, you can even say three versions of myself. If I have to name them it will be, the observer (this voice is like a critic), the guide (this voice, gives me the access to my knowledge and memory), and the companion(this voice is like a friend who is humorous, kind and sarcastic at times),but when I’m in the middle of a conversation, there is just the observer self. Without the other voices, I find it really hard to recollect data from my brain to use it in the conversation. Not only that, I hear things, but can’t comprehend it, my mind won’t be focused on anything. If you’ve watched durarara! I think it will be easier to explain. It’s just like Anri Sunohora’s case, viewing the world as a frame which I’m looking at from the outside, like I’m not connected to whatever is going on in this world. So I find myself there, and I listen to what people say, but it doesn’t stick to my brain since I’m not connected to this world, and the data is like, erased the very next moment I gain them. It is like my mental world and the physical world are light years apart. I can’t seem to make both the worlds co-exist.
I think this is the reason why I struggle to answer a question, and become nervous when someone talks to me. Because my physical self and the mental self are totally out of sync. I am really used of being alone all the time, so becoming social is gonna be a bit hard,but I believe with a little more practice I must be able to keep the voices alive, so I can communicate normally. This ‘missing voices’ issue, also impacts my spatial memory. When I’m using my body to walk, I can’t use my mind. It’s like I can either use my mind or my senses, but not both. So the bottom line is, my body, and my brain are out of sync and it causes me problems in situations where I have to use both my senses and my mind. If you want an analogy, I could say that I’m like a transreciver that only transmits signals (yeah, I know, a stupid analogy, but that’s all I was able to come up with).
Most of the time, I’m in the mental realm, and not in the physical world, which makes me the ‘suckiest person’ ( for the lack of a better word) in mindfulness. Recently, I learned that meditation could help me on this issue, so I’m planning on meditating regularly. Hopefully, I will be able to unite the two worlds sometime in the future.