Be unapologetic, wait, don’t judge me yet. I’m not done. Apologizing to people is a good thing, i agree, but those apologies must come from a place of responsibility and not regret. It’s when you regret your actions you’ll become apologetic to yourself.
You guys remember that I recently made a post titled Some People Aren’t Just Meant To Be Compatible right? If you don’t, I’ll try to explain it briefly: I talked about how I was annoyed by my brother and how I truly felt about him. and concluded saying that “I just realized that two people cannot be compatible, unless one decides upgrade their “operating system” to solve this compatibility error. And so, I’m going to upgrade mine to have a better relationship with my brother.”
Yesterday, the one person whom I never wanted to read that post (my bro) read it. He didn’t tell me anything about it right away. Later, he texted me this:
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t freak out. For crying out loud, it sounds like a suicide note! And the one good thing about it is, we were sitting under the same roof texting each other, so I’d know if anything like that happens. But still, it didn’t stop my brain from contemplating stuffs. My heart felt really heavy. I felt like I shouldn’t have done that. And y’know all the ‘depression thoughts’ tried to conquer my mind.
But guess what, I just completely flipped the table in a matter of minutes. I consoled myself that I did what I wanted to do, and regretting won’t get me anywhere. I know I didn’t mean anything wrong, so the hell am I feeling bad for? It was just a misunderstanding. “Not happy” does not necessarily mean “unhappy”. “Dislike” doesn’t mean “hatred”. He misunderstood it. And for me, “never hear from me again” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “suicide” (geez, I knew it. I shouldn’t have watched all those anime drama).
Above all, one thing that made me stable was: “I believe…” (thanks to ‘yuri on ice – History maker’ for that. Yeah, unlike most people I know, when I’m depressed I like to hear motivational/inspirational songs). I know him, he is not a stupid to kill himself. I believe in him. Besides, what is meant to be is meant to be, right? I believe that there is an order in every chaos. Call it a divine order if you want. I’ve seen so much in my life that, now, I know for sure that everything happens for a reason. I believe in the universe.
Honestly, I’ve even been seeing signs of support from the universe (or the spirit guides, or whatever it is.) Just after I published that post I read a couple of posts where the author has done a similar thing (wrote about someone they personally knew), and regretted doing that. They made an apology post to make things clear. And I interpreted that message, but still I didn’t delete the post that I wrote. Before that, I also read a couple of posts about guilt and remorse. I somehow felt that it was a message to me (and I didn’t even write that post at that time, but still felt like it’s a sign). In the hindsight, it seems like someone has been prepping me for this particular situation.
So, yeah, I believe in the universe. I was protected from which could have been a trauma, and so will my brother. There’s nothing to worry about. I didn’t regret my actions anymore. Yep, trust helped me pull through. Trust in the universe, my brother and most importantly myself. Now, my mind was flowing with optimistic thoughts. And guess what happened, we were playing Age of empires at the end of the day, and even won the AI for the first time playing it in Hard mode (Yay!!!After hundreds of lost battle, we, at last, tasted victory…and yes it is very sweet. Especially after so many defeats in the past two years.)
This reminds me, when I saw that spider, my brain switched to its “skeptical mode”, and made me think that it might be crawling on me. Whenever my body touched something, it felt like a spider. It’s the same thing, but now, it’s not spider anymore, but negative thoughts. This is how the brain works in “auto-pilot mode”.
And that’s why you regret only when you are in the “auto-pilot mode”. Regret happens after you have learned the lesson, and realized your mistakes. So I’d say it is a useless emotion. Guilt is useful, because it occurs before you do something wrong. So it could at least be used as a warning, but regret is still useless. But, once you take full responsibility of the situation, you’ll see what all the negativity was blocking you from seeing. You’ll see that you can make miracles happen, and it all begins with the mindset. Be unapologetic. Gain “humble-confidence”. Remember that you are never alone and you are always guided. And finally, believe in yourself, for you are capable of ‘making’ miracles happen.