Exploring My Dark Side

Okay, this post is gonna be pretty personal (and sorta gloomy…at least, I expect it to be), because I’m gonna be venturing into the realm of my fears, and the darkest part of me.

My first biggest fear is that I will never be able to feel love. No I’m not just talking about the romantic ones, I’m talking about maternal love and stuffs too. Don’t get me wrong here, I honestly couldn’t ask for better parents, and I totally wanna love them, but still…I don’t know if I actually love them, because nearly all of the hostelers feel homesick, except for me. I don’t really feel much difference now that I’m away from my parents (even though this is the first time I’m away from them). I just feel the same. I’ve even walked away from the people whom I once considered friends without a pang of guilt or sadness. Does love even exist?

But the funny thing is, when anyone I care suffers, it hurts me. Yeah, I don’t share their joy, and I honestly don’t feel any different being with them, but it hurts me to see them hurt. This is the only consoling thing here. I’m still human. I can still care for people when they are in distress, but I’ve got no clue how to love them.

My second biggest fear is that I might become a lot self-centered. I take a lot of things for granted. If a stranger helps me out, I thank them. But, if a friend helps me out, the last thing that I feel is gratitude. I take their support for granted. I’m also not perceptive when it comes to identifying people’s feeling. Are they feeling happy? sad? annoyed? I don’t know. I can’t empathize with people. But I expect people to understand me and how I feel (unfair, right?), without me even making an effort to express how I feel. Ever since I was aware of this fact, I started letting things go. I can’t expect things from others, when I don’t do that. I separated my life from others. I live in my world, and they in their own. I don’t expect anything from you, and you don’t expect anything from me.

But now that I think about it, I should’ve tried to become empathetic than isolating myself. And now I’m working on becoming less self-centered (and trust me changing a mindset is pretty hard, because the old mindset comes pretty naturally).

And finally, as ironical as it sounds, I, a person who claims that he doesn’t feel lonely when left alone, am afraid of being left behind all on my own. What if the world stopped caring for me, and continued progressing without me? It has happened to me before. If you are an asocial introvert like me, then this should’ve happened to you too.

When you seal yourself away from the world, slowly people stop caring for you anymore. They let you be in your own shell. If there is an event, or an important message the last person to know that info will be you, because you just made yourself invincible to others. When the teacher asks me “did you do the assignments? I told xyz to inform to everyone” I’m like “assignments? (How am I the only person to be unaware of the assignment? Urrh…that xyz bastard…he could’ve just written it on the board or something)” If I took a day leave, nobody calls me to inform the home works, or even to ask me why I was absent. And boy, need I tell about catching up with the missed classes. “Will anybody even lend me their notes? Because I barely know any of them.” So yeah, I fear being left behind.

Well, I guess that’s enough. I think you got a gist of my fears, and yeah, I’m totally aware that I can change all this if I work on it, because most of my so called fears are an aggregated result of my actions from my past.




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