What is this feeling…

Today, I’m not going to college. Why? Well, I guess because I burned myself out and needed a break. I’ve been feeling sick for the past week, yet I pushed myself to go and attend classes, and exams.

Cramming for internals, completing the assignments and record works, barely managing to relax and just be is my new daily routine. So, my body broke down yesterday. I was smitten by headache and fever, along with back pain, which was caused due the 3 hours of welding lab session we had the day before (I still don’t get why the first year’s have to do all this…I took computer engineering for crying out loud, why do I have to practice the job of a mechanical stud? This is hilarious.)

As I have already mentioned (or I think I have already mentioned it), 4 students stay in one room. So obviously, me being the odd one out, I was not a night owl like everybody else. The result, I became sleep deprived (well how can I not be? These night owls and their phones…and the noise…GOD.) And thus, I burned myself out.

So I’m taking a day off from the craziness of this world, and to be in peace.

And this morning, I realized something while lying on my bed all alone in the entire building…that this “being” inside me really appreciated the rest. My heart felt really heavy. I felt really grateful for being alive. It was a beautiful feeling, yet a painful one nonetheless. I don’t know how, but it was suffocating and soothing at the same time. It was a feeling that I was not able to comprehend.

Why am I feeling so glad? Why am I feeling my heart like this? It feels weird…I don’t understand it at all…

Am I happy because I’m all alone, away from the rat race of the world? Well, it’s funny, because once upon a time, I used to be away from the race…seeing people run in their tracks racing with each other, like a dream that I can’t be a part of. Like a magical cloud of mist, that allowed me to see what’s happening in a totally different world. I always wished to be a part of that world. I used to see people racing with each other and wonder why the world was progressing without me. I was afraid of being left behind by myself. So I tried to reach them, and I guess I somehow managed to do it. But now, ironically I’m glad that I’m out of the rat race? Hahaha, I guess, I was in the right place after all.

Or is it because, I’m finally taking a day off to be myself? This is my very first time of saying “screw you record works”. Even when I tried to sleep in this morning, physics and problem solving assignments ruined my sleep. Why do you even haunt me in my dream dammit? lol. I used to be the kinda guy who always tries to complete every job given to him. Now I wonder…is that even worth it? I mean, after coming to college, I lost all my identity. I didn’t find any time to blog, or watch anime, play games,or do the other regular “otaku” things that I did while I was home. Life here is totally different. As a matter of fact, I can even say that the life I’m living right now, is totally different from the one I was living for the past 17 years. So obviously, I was overwhelmed, and lost touch with who I am. I became a lost soul, which forgot what it lost, and what it came searching for. But this day off, somehow anchored me with my core. Maybe that’s why I’m glad.

Regardless, this peace that I’m feeling right now…is worth living for. So, I’m gonna try being like this from now on. Listening to this beautiful, relaxing music…lying on my bed, taking deep breaths…writing this blog post, without stressing about college. I’m just gonna let it flow. There’s no point in worrying about things, right? Because, in the end, whatever is meant to happen will happen…


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