Life…is chaotic. Maybe as a kid I didn’t realize it, but as I continue on the path of life, it is becoming more and more obscure to see, more and more suffocating to breathe. This confusion never seems to end. What is life? What am I supposed to do? What was the point of me living all these years? Muffled by all these questions, I lay paralyzed in a non-existential plane in my head, unable to move. The more i think, the more it suffocates. As I was slowly engulfed in the nothingness, I desperately looked for answers.
The search for the answers begun 2 years ago, and for a brief period of time I thought I actually had found the answer. I was finally able to move again. There was something that I had in mind, a vision for my life, and reached out to it. But as I mentioned it was only for a brief time. For some reasons, I lost my purpose again. I never would’ve imagined that I’d loose my reason to live, something that I found after an endless desperate search.
Back then I used to believe that life doesn’t have a meaning and I have to willfully write my own story. I even had an image of what my story should be about. So I unsheathed my pen, and begun writing. I felt like I finally found momentum in my life, but little did I know about the ruthlessness of life. I was too naive. All it took was a few hits, and I already gave up. “I never expected life to be so hard.” And ever since, I used to try writing now and then, but it always met the same end. I gave up. All my idealism came down crashing.
Each time I gave in, I fell deeper and deeper, and one day I found myself at the very bottom of the pit. My eyes became cloudier and my reasoning began to fluctuate. I said to myself, “I am at the rock bottom now, so it doesn’t matter if I loose, right? I can’t go down any further! So bring ’em hell”. Then I heard an alluring whisper in the back of my head,”See, you’re still alive in here. Why would you wanna climb up? Is it even worth the pain and effort?” Well, to be honest, I don’t know. What is the point of living a dream life? What is the point of having fun? What is the point of having friends? What is the point of living? Nothing is permanent after all. Everything has to come to an end, so why even bother? Everything is a waste of time anyways…
Back then, I used to think,”I’d rather die, that rotting in a stagnant life”. Now that I have taken a glimpse of how hard it is to write my own life, I didn’t wanna get back up. I didn’t want to get into that storm again. “I’d rather stay at the bottom and wait for my ultimate end. I mean it’s not bad after all. All you have to do is survive and the society will play your life for you. School. College. Work. Family. It’s all set up. Why do I have to try and build my own path?”
So I gave up trying. Making friends and living like your ideal teenager was too much of a hassle, so I gave up on such things as well. I studied like I should, and for the rest of the time, I’d play video games or watch anime. “Humans drain me anyways”, I convinced myself to not feel bad about my social skills. Life wasn’t bad, but…I just barely felt alive. Before I noticed it, I became soul-less. I couldn’t care less about anything anymore. Emotions became distant, and tiredness took it’s place. All I did was survive until the next day, yet it was too bothersome to do so.
I wonder, should I get up and start from square one? Even though it was hard, even though it was painful, I still felt alive when I was trying. So maybe, just maybe it is worth it to battle through the storm once again…But, I don’t see a “square one” anymore…Even if I get up, even if I want to write my own story, I don’t know what to write or where to start. “What do I want? Hmm…blank. Where did all my passion go? When did I cast-off all my desires? I can’t believe I cast-off the one thing that drove humanity this far…How can I even find it again?”, I mutter, as I lay down staring at the speck of light, reaching my arms out hoping that someone would pull me out of this deep, dark pit that I have fallen into.