If you’re reading this post, then you are probably are in search of answers. Answers to questions like, “What is life?”, “What is the purpose of life?”, “Is life worth living?”, “Why does life suck so bad?”. Chances are, you might be going through an existential crisis. If you’ve read my previous post engulfed by the nothingness, then you probably already know that’s exactly where I’m from.
If everyone is going to die anyways, then why even work so hard? Why even bother? Why not just sit your life out?
But as I mentioned in my earlier post, the deeper I got into such mind state, the more distant I became from my emotions. I couldn’t care less about anything, because I knew it was all supposed to end anyways. It was just a matter of time. I couldn’t care less when someone so close got mad at me. I couldn’t care less whether I was being nice and a kind person. I couldn’t care less about being all alone for the rest of my life. I had so much questions in my head, but it was too much of a bother to search for answers. I had no goals or whatsoever, nor the motivation to live. All I needed was to survive, because dying seemed to be much of a pain (ofcourse I didn’t wanna be a bother to my family either). I’ve seen enough Anime to know how one’s death will affect the rest of their friends and family (not that I have much friends). Ahem. Anyways, the point is I was lifeless.
But who would’ve thought that the one thing that I resorted to distract myself from life would actually set me back on track! Maybe it was just a big coincidence, but the anime that I binged on right after writing the other post I mentioned, gave me all the answers I wanted! It was enough to get me thinking again.
Why do people bother to work hard? Why choose pain over pleasure?
I guess it was all because of self-satisfaction. I imagined myself enjoying my life away without doing anything meaningful. I imagined myself becoming a typical shut-in doing all the stuffs an anti-social person who is always locked up inside his room would do. I continued my imagination.
Day 1. Day 2…Month 1…Month 2… And then it was hard to continue my imagination, so I skipped to the part where I died (*applauds* “You have successfully completed the game”). Now my thoughts were, “What was the meaning of my life anyways?” I’m dead and boom, everything is gone. Seems like I was just a waste of oxygen. Did I atleast live a satisfied life? No. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it, but the thing I thought as pleasure was getting boring as I imagined myself doing the same thing again and again. I realized that pleasure only lasts as long as you don’t have it. In the end, my life was as meaningless as that. That’s when I realized why people work so hard. They do it to leave something behind. A contribution. Something that will live on even after one’s existence.
See, I know it doesn’t matter when you are dead. I mean you won’t even be there to mourn over your pitiful life. That’s exactly why I said it was all a matter of self-satisfaction. I totally wouldn’t wanna live my life thinking that everything that I’m doing right now is going to be a waste! Seeing how I “have” to live anyways, I’d rather live a life where I have no regrets. Even if your life ultimately ends being futile, you can atleast be satisfied with the fact that you tried.
What to do when you are confused with your life?
If you think that this entire “Existential crisis” thingy is just a once in a lifetime thing, boy are you wrong! There always is a possibility that you might end up back there, being confused with your life again. I mean, I’m just 18 and I’ve already been through this twice (am I supposed to be embarrassed about it? Well I don’t know). The first time I got out of it by defining myself a purpose. A dream. But soon enough I learned that dreams are called dreams because they don’t happen just like that. To achieve something, you must loose something of equal importance. That’s the law of the world. I found that humans can only grow through pain and sacrifice. Quiet a scary thing, yeah?
I was stuck. I could go ahead and progress through the storm, or I could just sit here until the storm comes to me. There’s no other way around it. “So this is what the world of the adult is like, eh?”, I thought as I plopped myself down. It is only natural to avoid pain, even if it means postponing it. But you know what sitting there thinking, “I’m gonna die. No, I don’t wanna die. Shoo. Get away from me you stupid storm”, is far worse than jumping inside the storm and thinking, “I’m still alive!”. Sure, it’ll be hard and painful, but you know what? It might just be worth it. It’ll get your senses back. It’ll make you wonder what is on the other side of the storm. It’ll make you feel proud of yourself for surviving this far. So I said, ‘Screw it. I’ll do it anyways’, and got back up. I reminded myself what an anime character said.
“Any choice we make comes with pain. The trick is to find something you can care about, and just live for that. Forget about the nature of life. All that hippie crap is just gonna strangle that little brain you’ve got”
So if you are ever confused about what to do next, find the thing that you care about. If you don’t know what it is, then adventure! Search for it. Experience varieties of things, and ask yourself if it is what you’re looking for. I know you’ll find it eventually. Don’t ever give up, because it’ll be your shield and sword in the battles to come.
So here’s the answer to the question. Why does life suck so much? Because you are chained down by the fear of the future. Because you are not progressing. Because you do not believe in yourself. Because you just don’t want to accept the nature of life. Because you resist the change. Last but not the least, because you are afraid of getting hurt.